To Next Little Girl, Crimes of Passion (Revised) Options

[jabble524]

It's been very fun getting to interact with you on these forums, and to read your poetry, which is wonderful. You are a great writer. Anyways, I revised and expanded upon Crimes of Passion. If you or anyone has time, I would love feedback.

Crimes of Passion (Revised)

The interrogation room was dark and gloomy
The air was stale, and smelled of mold and mildew
No windows, and an old wooden door, that creaked when it opened
To me, it felt like an ancient tomb
A tomb where the darkest secrets are buried

The sound of the door, and the detective’s voice, broke my trance
“Good morning Mrs. Lewis, I’m sorry to have kept you waiting”
“I’m going to need you to tell me what happened last night”
As he sat down, and straightened his tie, I smiled
And then I began to speak …

His Judas Kiss made me orgasm
As we fucked on the Ides of March
I wrapped my legs around his back, pulling him in closer
As I moaned in pleasure, he said “I love you”
I knew he was a liar
Oh, sweet lips that lie

Insincere words and empty promises
I had carelessly given my heart away
I remember the first day I learned of his sins

It was a warm spring afternoon
And I was working on a scrapbook in the kitchen
The cool spring breeze danced through the open windows
And filled the kitchen with a sense of serenity

When I came to the pictures of my honeymoon with Todd
I was filled with a sense of passion
As my memories flashed back to those romantic Caribbean Nights
When we made love on that deserted beach
All alone, and under the stars-
He told me I was his “one and only”

My flashback was broken by the ringing of the telephone
Too relaxed to get up, I decided to let the machine get it

As the words came in over the answering machine
I felt like my heart was being carved out of my chest
Each word like another painful incision

“Hey Todd, this is Melanie”-
“Just calling to say I can’t get over last night”.
“Listen; meet me next Friday at the Cesar’s Palace Hotel- room sixty-six. At six o’clock”.
“They’ll be champagne on ice”
“And I’ll be wearing the outfit you like”
“See you then lover boy”

When the message finally ended-
I felt like my heart had been completely carved out of my chest
And then smashed into a thousand little pieces of sorrow

Heartbroken and betrayed
I cried
And cried until I was dehydrated

It was then-
That the thirst for revenge first entered my soul
My love slowly mutated into a deformed hatred
As I began to formulate a wicked plan

“Give it to me Todd”
“Give it to me baby”
I moaned
As I continued to wrap my legs around his back, pulling him in closer
I could see the overwhelming ecstasy in his eyes

At the height of sexual intercourse
A man is blind to everything but pleasure
So he never saw it coming
When I slid the knife out
From beneath the sheets

The knife smoothly pierced his back
A sweet mix of surprise, pleasure, and pain
I could see the confusion and terror in his eyes
As he desperately gasped for air

Mockingly, I said, “I love you too sweetheart”
Angered by my sarcasm
He mustered one last bit of strength
And cursed me

“Bitch”!
“Bitch you’ll fucking burn in hell for this”

I grabbed the knife-
Still sticking out of his back
And twisted

Mocking him one last time
I said

“Oh, lover boy”
“Don’t you know”-
“That hell has no fury like a woman scorned”?

With that, I pulled the knife from his back
And kicked his body to the floor

As I licked the blood off the knife
I watched his body cautiously-
Half-expecting him to pop back up
Like the killer at the end of a scary movie

But there was nothing
His body lay lifeless on the floor
He was gone

The last grain of sand had fallen from his hourglass
And he now slept in the cold arms of the reaper

“Umm…”
“Is that all”?
The detective asked, looking rather puzzled
“Yes, that’s all” I replied, as a devilish grin crept across my face

“Mrs. Lewis, you understand that since you waived your Miranda Rights”
“Everything you just told me is admissible in court”?
“Now, if you tell me what you did with the body”
“I’ll ask the District Attorney for leniency”

“Fine” I replied calmly
“Go to the Cesar’s Palace Hotel”
“Room 66”
“You’ll find the bodies there”

“Bodies”? The detective replied
Again looking puzzled

“Yes bodies”
“You’ll find the bodies there”

Not wanting to waste anymore time
The detective and a team of police
Rushed to Cesar’s Palace Hotel

In room 66
They found the bodies of Todd
And his lover Melanie

[Alsatian before ...]

Keep both...
The first is vicious and graphic, literarily lulling us to the kill; and the second is more rounded, like a poetic short story. Two versions of the same thing are not altogther bad when they have different qualities like these. The second reminds me of a television show we used to have here back in the 1970s, called Tales of The Unexpected, the writer Roald Dahl used to introduce it. Each was a different story, quite macabre and devious, but with a theatrical flair that made them entertaining little snippets of the slightly darker side of human nature.

Here are the opening credits...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzaobXhzX9E...feature=related

[Next Little Girl]

Hi Jabble,

Thank you for your kind words, I am very flattered. I am shocked that anyone would want to read my poems sometimes. Your works are very vivid and show your are a gifted writer as well.

Thank you Alsatian, very well put my darling; I agree wholeheartedly with you. Jason should keep both versions. The first is in a great poetic form and really draws you in, and you really feel the stabbing almost as though your own gut is receiving it. The second is also a great short story, very Poe in it's demented plot, plus the detective really adds that safety net for me personally, less scary with him now in custody. lol! Thank you! I appreciate that! Also, the girlfriend Melanie and the name given to the main character, Mrs. Lewis clarifies the story as when I had first read the poem, I had imagined it entirely differently.

Hey Alsatian! That show looks like a couple shows here in the States! One called Tales From The Darkside and the other was called Tales From The Crypt. There was a little character called The Crypt Keeper who was a hillarious and disturbing little corpse puppet.

Oh the memories! I agree, this story told in this way is like an episode from these series. You have got to see this opening with the host!!! And he used to make these sick, sick jokes, lol! He was demented! Here's the Intro:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NyUE2mpw7bI

And here's the intro from Tales From The Darkside

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnE3-0X-174...feature=related

This update just in! The true identity of the Crypt Keeper is revealed at last! Uh huh! Thought so!

[jabble524]

Thanks for the feedback. I remember Tales from the Crypt. I used to watch that show, the little corpse host was hilarious. I truly do enjoy your poetry next little girl, it's very vivid and passionate- you should try to get published. Anyways, hope all is well.
Cheers,
Jason